Arachnoquake
~~Warning Spoilers Ahead~~
Opening up on New Orleans with some men laughing and joking about aliens and such. There is a mention about another earthquake and someone had gotten bitten. Well...I think it's strange to see some weird looking spider go into an egg crate.
Starting off with some bad digital effects of a fissure in the ground. The guy that was bitten has some serious bubble action and out pops another spider. Naturally if something pops out of your back, it's best to squish it, but again...where would be the fun in that. So the guy falls into the big scary fissure and the little spider jumps in. Cue the opening credits....
We get introduced to the rest of the characters and their "issues", Paul {{Bug Hall}} being late for work. His dad, Roy {{Ethan Phillips}}and sister, Petra {{Olivia Hardt}} talking about how much of a screw up he is. A coach Charlie Blackwell {{Edward Furlong}} needing to take his girls home and can't find his assistant. His family wanted a tour and he tells them to go. Katylenn {{Tracy Gold}} and her children Annabel {{Megan Adelle}}l and Justin {{Skyy Moore}}leave. We come back to Paul who meets Glen {{Lucky Johnson}} and his Wife Tina {{Tiara Gathright}}, Gramps {{Grant James}}and the Blackwells...With some minor banter go on in the tour bus. They stop at another fissure. Paul looks and everyone gets off the bus.
One of the kids grab one of the spiders with her cup. Granted mom is an 8th grade biology teacher and tells them that the spider is blind. Everyone makes the pathetic jokes about it being blind. Paul returns telling everyone to get on the bus, where the classic "there's a creature on the shoulder" point and gawk. Which I found pathetic when Paul wearing boots can not seem to squash the spider and instead heads towards the fissure. Yet...Gramps is able to putt it away with his cane
To heighten things...we find giant spiders climbing on top of the tour bus. They all banter about spiders not eating people. While Paul fills up for gas. Humorous side is when the dumb ass Paul ponders why 911 is busy. Really??? Everyone gets herded into the store where the attendant gets his neck blown out by a baby spider. Everyone freaks out and eventually kill off all the baby spiders in the store.There is a lot of questions that arise when film fests judges talk about realism. I don't care how old you are but when you are in a school bus, there is no dancing around. Since we know the assistant coach is sick, but the coach knows to tell his girls about discipline. Especially if these girls are athletes.....
At the store the spiders take out the older man. Yes, stand there allowing this giant spider to get on you and suck out your fluids. Yes, that would be wonderful especially when the spider is blind...oh boy. Returning back that the tour bus goes back into New Orleans. Yes, smart move.
Glen yells at Paul about going down a different road. The police are now shooting the spiders, where the father is having some serious trust issues that Pal could be responsible since he is a major screw up. Dad figures out that there is giant spiders out there. A bus accident that some how no one can get the bus out of. Seriously if you are going to crash a bus, the bus crashes. Everyone flies forward.....
Glen tries that "I'm a bad ass gangsta" and gets eaten. {{yawns}} typical!! Everyone runs back to the boat. Back at the bus, they all are getting their bats to see what this thing is. The spider proves to show off some flame. Which the poorly sound effect of the creature flying in the air and exploding.
In the bus, the girls are worried about the spiders. You can see that the bus isn't busted up. Yet, the smoke is pouring out. Tina has a melt down on the boat and no one seems to be able to throw back the girl off the boat allowing her to just push the throttle. Even then they get into an accident. Yeah believable when you still are aiming straight, that way you can get into an accident.
I was glad when Tina was eaten. Yet the father tries to divert the spiders and when he tripped...his feet latches on to the branch. The dad gets burned by the spiders who have flame thrower capabilities. Of course when the spider comes at them...Paul is holding a shot gun and yet cringes in fear. Come on pussy ass shoot!!!At the bus the girls are having a near melt down. Here comes the Calvary and you can see that their cars are just rental Hummers. The group is walking and come across the three men from the start of the film. Mrs Blackwell talks about capturing one of the things to figure out to kill them. Coach Blackwell is determined to save his wife even telling the military off in a way.
Jean Jaques and his two dumb asses help capture a spider. Which as it is stupid that they tried to come up with some logical explanations about this creature and it lays it's eggs into flesh. Nice, but there should at least be more young coming out. Everyone freaks out and scatters because the "dumb" spiders have made around their team
A simple taking of Mrs. Blackwell gets everyone in a huff. Anabell went after Mrs. Blackwell and Roy dies while his sister is taken as well. Jean Jaques takes Justin away. Paul finds Annabell at the boat as she runs back into the woods ignoring Paul.
Here the climatic, let's save the poor bastards that the spiders took. Annabell and Paul jump down a hole and head to the big scary lair of the spiders.. Paul finds his sister and removes her from the spider webbing that looks so much like the cheap Halloween store kind. Granted if you are in a spider lair....save the bloody questions till after you get out. Or any emotional break downs.
Jean Jaques and his son get back to the military. Mr. Blackwell finds out the bad information. Back at the boat, Kaitlyn dies. Paul figures it would be best to prove her theory correct. He suits up and starts the anticlimactic ending. The one thing thing I find funny is that when Paul is running and starts shooting with his shot gun. Seriously...the giant spider is close to 2-miles away and the shot gun is going to do something?? Especially when the spider skeleton is suppose to super tough.
Jean Jaques tries to get on the action and shoots the bazooka which the miliatary allow him to get away with it. I noticed several errors in the filmmaking and story telling. Jean Jaques and Paul get taken up to the web. Paul manages to go inside the Queen going for the gas bladder. All the spiders seem to be dying all over the city. The slacker manages to save the city....
The ending was funny where the spider in the cup implodes...
~Production Notes~
An Active Entertainment, which has recently expanded its Lafayette-to-Baton Rouge production footprint to include a New Orleans office, is feeding the Syfy beast of weekly movies about unlikely beasts.Syfy movie productions usually run for about a million dollars a piece.Active Entertainment has more in the pipeline that they will be producing for Syfy
~Final Thoughts~
I understand that they films try to explore different creatures. Sometimes even just do things because it sounds cool. Yes, albino blind spiders is interesting, but what the hell will the flame thrower serve for them. In the animal kingdom, you need to remember that in a hive...like ants, bees or even termites...the queen serves as a brain. Yet with spiders if you are going to have the spiders be able to make more spider babies and what's the need to have a queen?? I can say if she is the brain and all the spiders are connected to her. Yet nature isn't stupid. it always creates a back up. The Queen will have her as a back up in a cocoon just in case she dies.
Well the thing also if you are going to make a weekly movie production,....get the right cars. Can't get the right car...use digital. It's not hard to get High School students coming out with more digital graphics experience and even with those students, they can help with a lot of stuff. Shoes...combat isn't tan/brown but black or dark brown issued. You can find those styles of boot at military surplus stores. Using digital effects is the cheap way to go for effects, but do them right.
~Ratings~
Film is based on individual movie
~Hellz Writer~
I PREFER MY BAD "B" MOVIES LIKE "Them" over this digital age crap...
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